Random Ranting : A way to release

Assalamualaikum pretty ladies!

I haven't actually fixed my laptop, but it is still on its way, I'm using my mom's laptop to update this. I still have the writer's block for writing up a few reviews on the draft, lol, so I won't go there for a few weeks. We'll see.

I'm currently having a state of confusion, I don't know how to explain it, I just don't know how to tell it to you without even telling what's been going on with my life. The guy I dated a few months ago, well, it didn't work out, which is fine by me, as time went on, I guess I realize that I don't have feelings for him.

But then, there's this guy, I have a crush on him when I was around 12 and it went on up to well, for a few years which I've now come to realize and come to terms that he might be my first love. I've never hoped to be with him, because I think my feelings would never be returned. We briefly dated in 2009, I was 18, I was young, we see each other a lot back then, we came from two different clique, when I say different, our lifestyle has been VERY different as we grow up, so I bound to have the thoughts that we could never been together. He went out of his way to see me, help me and drive me to school, you think I can find the reason why he does that for me, well I didn't. I really didn't, lol, talk about clueless.

I found out about him returning my feeling when I was gonna call him to confess, as he was going to go off and study abroad, but then, I can't find the courage to tell him but then he knew and we talked and he actually confessed that he likes me too.

Then he went on and study abroad, he was sweet, he called me every month and I know it's very expensive for him to call me as I know I don't even call him, lol. But after time went out, we kind of drifted apart, there was a problem between us that I don't want to tell it here and I went on and date my current ex. When he went back to Brunei, he did try to reach out to me, there's actually a tension between us. So we didn't see each other for a very long time, up to now.

I've been seeing him a lot, I mean, he knows how to make it like it's casual, but I know with him, it's nothing casual, I'll know it's casual if there's a few people joining in when we go out, but then it's just the two of us. It's always been just the two of us when we go out, I still think of him as friends and I didn't even want to think of him more than that. But you know, when a guy is giving you attention, giving you subtle hints of wanting to get closer, it gets weirdly intense. I've been trying to figure out why we both can't keep ourselves from each other's company.

I won't lie there's still itsy bitsy feelings for him, but I just don't know if I want this especially from him, so all I can do is just wait out and think this out until the time comes.